Saturday, March 02, 2013

Parenting 101 (the rules)

No I'm not going to post 101 rules about parenting since most of the people I know have determined that I'm a horrible parent and I probably should have decided to raise dust bunnies instead of a child. Since I grew a human it's a bit to late for that but I do have some firm parenting rules I think should be shared because well let's face it, I love to share!

Kelly Krabappel's Rules for Parenting 

1. Even if it sounds like a good idea to let your 13 year old drive it's not really a good idea. Traffic laws, police, lots and lots of paper work and possible jail time.  Think how good you'll both look in orange.

2. Fork + Toaster = Bad.  Knife + Outlet = Bad.  Hairdryer + Tub = Bad.

3. Stove...HOT!  Should be repeated as often as necessary.  Probably well into the teen years. If it's a boy possibly forever.

4. Quell the urge to send your child to the store for Bordeaux even if it's CardBordeaux. Same goes for cigarettes and beer.  This isn't 1972. The child protective service will say to just get off your ass and buy it yourself.  And I shouldn't have to say this but it's not cool to share these items with your kids.  Be a parent for Christ sakes!

5. Pajamas are cute on babies in public.  Not so cute on teens.  Institute a rule about this now before it's too late.  Uggs and pajamas - this rule goes double.  It's a NO in public. Same goes for any writing on the butt of  of a young girl.  Juicy written across an 11 year old's ass is not particularly appealing to anyone except pervs.

6. "Yes" is almost a four-letter word.  Try "No" instead since it has one less letter. The world needs more NO and less YES! Saying NO will not kill your child even if they swear it will.

7. Prepare you kids to be losers.  There are not always winner so stop telling them they are winners for just participating because they are not.  2nd place is always 1st loser any way you look at it.  Positive is good but  fake positive praise is setting up your kids to be a real ass as an adult.  Remember you, in this messed up world, could be working for you kid someday and do you really want to work for an ass?

8. Good grades are great but common sense probably goes a lot further.  See rules number 2 & 3.

9. Imaginary friends are great but trust me at some point you are going to get tired of listening to your child talk to them.  There will come a day when you have to tell them their imaginary friends went to live on a farm far, far away or to at least move their imaginary friends into their heads so no one else can see you talking to them. (working hard on this one now - one can't bring Pablo the imaginary friend to high school unless one can win a fist fight).

10. For the love of God teach your kid some survival skills.  It doesn't matter what it is but at a certain point a child is old enough to know how to do a load of laundry or make mac & cheese from the directions on the box.  If you have a boy child this will make him more attractive mate material since what girl in their right mind wants to be their husbands mother?  If it's a girl then she can figure out other stuff like how the washing machine works since then she won't "need no stinkin' man".  Both sexes should be able to make a simple meal and run a simple appliance without calling their mothers.  They should also know how to balance a checkbook and pay a bill.  It's amazing how many kids don't have a clue about these things.

Parenting tip - kids eat a lot and are expensive.
Send them to grandma's around dinner time.
 Guaranteed monthly savings.

11. Be honest.  Just warn your kids they should remember in public to be slightly less honest.  In other words at home it's OK to say "this tastes like shit" but in public you'll want to find a nicer way to say it. It's also not OK to say "my mother thinks you're a bitch" unless it's in the middle of a hair pulling mom fight then by all means start slinging the insults.

12.  Awesome parents talk about sex, drugs (and rock and roll).  If you don't do it just think about the stuff your kids learn from their friends.  Most of it false and a lot of it is said, especially to girls by boys, to get to first, second, or third base.  Nothing says great parenting like an STD in a 16 year old!

And remember - your parenting skills are probably not that bad.  Unless the Omen was inspired by actual events at your home.  Then you're up craps creek without a canoe and you are on your own.

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