Monday, February 17, 2014

House of Cards Ruined My Life

NOTE - NO spoilers in this post! Rest assured if you haven't started season 2 you can proceed without fear.

One of my friends sent me a text yesterday telling me he was spiriling out of control after watching 4 straight episodes of HoC. I didn't have the heart to tell him I am so far below rock bottom that I can see China.  My life no longer has meaning since Frank Underwood came back into my living room. On Valentine's day no less.

I had an awesome HOC Valentine Card posted but someone
didn't like that I was using rich Hollywood Producers!

Ahh Frank Underwood, you sexy, disgusting, sick, egotiscal, Antichrist douche bag. I know in scene after scene of HoC it's me you're talking too when you smirk at the camera. I'm terrified to turn my eyes away from you. Afraid you'll see weakness and send you're equally horrible wife or henchman Doug Stamper after me. I'm oddly in love and hate with you at the same time. You make me want to scream, kick the TV, and turn away...but I never do Frank because I get a kick out of you. You and all your horrible and evil behavior. Your wheeling and dealing and backroom schemes and quadruple dog dares. How you make it through a day without being stabbed is beyond me. But I love you just the same. Even if watching you has completely ruined my life.

Frank, I have no clean clothes, I'm wearing a paisley shower curtain as a mumu Frank. I can't step away from the TV in case I miss something. I'm unable to hit pause because what if I can't restart? I'm eating dry oatmeal and drinking juice boxes here Frank because my fear and loathing of you has made me unable to leave my home. I'm afraid to look away lest you pick that exact moment to take over and subsequently torpedo the government. Oh Frank you taciturn little boy in a fine cut suit, I want to save you from yourself and rid the world of you in the same breath. You had me a "I love that woman. I love her more than sharks love blood.". 

I am drunk in love with you Frank Underwood. Even if I have to constantly use hand sanitizer while your on the screen. You make me feel unclean. So unclean that holy water wouldn't be enough to undue all the vile you spew just tying your shoes.

I can't decide if I need an intervention or exorcism.

Ooh gotta go...there is a dark SUV in my driveway. I think its Meechum. 

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