Sunday, April 13, 2014

Shave Your Legs...Or Wear High Socks?

Spring has sprung ... In Maine it's more like it's being dragged kicking and screaming towards us. Maybe where you are you experience spring on a somewhat regular schedule in Northern New England we don't.
We have mini seasons between winter and spring. Here, let me walk you down the path of so-called spring in our part of this hemisphere;
Still Winter. Still Winter is what we have on the first day of spring, the vernal equinox. We say "yay it's spring" and we remove one tenth of a layer of clothing, usually our third pair of socks. We go back outside and continue to move the snow from one side of the driveway to another in a feeble attempt to make a passable route out.
Late Winter. Late Winter is when two days in a row we are above 32° and it's not snowing, sleeting, freezing rain, or any combo thereof. The sun does not have to be out. We will however briefly take off another layer of clothing and complain about this "goddamn" global warming. We get a torch out to melt the ice off our mailboxes.
Later winter. Later Winter follows Late Winter. That's when in most of the region the gray, black crusty snow we have looks like dinosaur turds. It's gross and dirty looking almost like we look. This would be the time for those up in the counties, the boondocks, and past the notch to take their first bath of the season. Don't judge, oil is expensive and you try heating enough water to fill a bathtub on a wood burning stove. We've now officially removed one full later of clothing. It will snow again but we've chucked our care in the fuck it bucket...we're hardy souls.
Near Spring. Near Spring is when we string more than four days in a row with temps above 40. We get all showy and wear spring jackets with big winter scarves and short boots...and attempt to jump two foot deep puddles and the mud bog our driveway has turn into. This should not be confused with mud season, that comes later, just before black fly season. This is the time you realize your dog sure does poop a lot and your neighbors have been piling their trash near the end of your driveway. The eat a lot of Tortinos pizza, Little Debbie Nutty Bars, and Hawaiian Punch; which explains why all their kids are wall-eyed freaks.
Almost Spring. Almost spring is that one day it reaches 50+ degrees and we go all nuts and wear shorts without considering the chances of blinding someone with our glow in the dark white legs. Thank goodness in our rush we forget to shave. Hairy legs keep the solar glare down. We walk around town smiling and waving at those people who we would never consider being friendly with any other day of the year. We often witness some goddamn fool drive their winter beater* into a pothole the size of a swimming pool. We scavenge for auto parts and returnables.
One Step Back. One Step Back is the day it snows 13" in April. We fear we are doomed plus we have a house full of tomato seedlings needing a home. We think about going down to channel 6 and punching Joe Cupo•• in the face.
And finally,
Practically Spring. This is as close as it gets folks. Practicality Spring is warm weather, cold weather, rainy, sunny, oh look the grass is green is that sleet did I just see a bee is that the sun, time of the year. We shave, pull on our high socks, grab shorts, sunscreen, winter jackets and our DD iced coffee and collectively yell...WOOOOHOOOO!
Then we either freeze our butts off or develop heat rash.
You don't have to be crazy to live here...but it helps!
Now I'm off to put on my fuzzy slippers, notch up the thermostat and put aloe on my sunburnt knees.

*winter beater...a car or truck you paid two hundred bucks for because only one door opens and the thermostat is stuck on wowee. You drive it until May 1st at which time it mysteriously disappears.

••Joe Cupo, beloved WCSH meteorologist. We would never punch him in the face. We may throw snowballs at him or accidentally kick him but we don't condone violence against our man Joe. 

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