Wednesday, May 07, 2014

Ten Things Mom Doesn't Want for Mother's Day

That time of year has come again, Mother's Day. What should you give to mom to show her you care? Nothing...nothing from this list;

10. Reptiles of any kind. Same goes for rats or spiders or really anything we have to take care of.  We have enough on our hands just taking care of you.

9. Anything from Hallmark that spins, sings, makes any kind of noise or sparkles. Unless it throws confetti and announces in Bob Barkers voice - Get ready for an all expense paid trip to HAWAII.  Then we're cool with it.

8. Flowers.  We know the mark up is crazy and we also know you completely forgot and bought them on the way to our house at the grocery store.  We're not stupid.  We're your mother.

7. Candy from the drug store.  We'd rather have you try to make it on your own than buy it in the aisle across from the toiler paper.

6. Lingerie.  Really what were you thinking?  I'm your mother and if you buy me stuff like that I promise to wear it when your friends come over or when I pick you up at school.

This is NOT what I look like in lingerie.

5. Power tools, vacuum cleaner, washer, dryer, or a blender...unless we specifically told you that's what we wanted and we ripped a photo out of a flyer or printed something from the internet so you don't buy us the wrong thing.  When I say "Ninja Blender" I mean Ninja not Pinja the Big Lots knockoff brand.

4. Refrain from giving anything your father thought of and remind him not to purchase a card saying "To my dear wife on Mother's Day". I am not his mother.  His mother gave birth to him and I have been reprogramming him since we married... so let him buy a gift for her and he can worry about my birthday and our anniversary.  

3. If it has the words 'light, reduced fat, diet or low fat' Put. It. Back.  This is not a day to skimp on calories.  We can very easily go back to hating ourselves tomorrow.  Bring on the full fat everything (and get Tums).

2. Macaroni Art if you're older than a 4th grader.  How embarrassed would you be if you were in an old folks home and your 60 year old kid visited on Mother's Day and gave you a photo with a macaroni frame?  Stop shaming us damn it and go buy us a scarf or something.  

And the number one thing not to buy mom on Mother's Day is...

Anything you purchased from an infomercial at 2 a.m.! Especially if it has NO-NO in it's name. That's a sure sign it's not a good purchase. 

*Unless it's that turbo vac and squeeze thing that cleans your floors and sucks the fat out of your thighs and backside.  I'm pretty willing to give that a try or two around the lot.

Big hugs and kisses to all you mom's and mother figures out there (even if you're a guy and are being both mom & dad).  If your mom is still lucky to be on this planet please remember to give her a big squeeze.  If she's not then take a few minutes and look around for a sign that your mom, no matter where she is, is probably thinking about you.  


Aunt Ruth said...

love it!!

Unknown said...

Thanks and happy mother's day Aunt Ruth!